The person who is most flexible and understanding is the one who is usually able to carry the conversation and influence the other person. If you have two rigid people firm in their beliefs, you are going to be at a stalemate. We act as mirrors. When we subconsciously recognize someone else bending, we bend. Here’s the catch though. The person who leads first and does it first is much more influential than the other person. We follow leaders. Lead by example by caving in to your firm beliefs.
Let’s say you are in an argument with someone or someone emotionally fires you up because of a misunderstanding or negligence.
Follow this procedure:
1) Always separate the intent and the soul of a human being from their particular behavior. Actions are different than the person inside. Recognize that.
2) Expressing your frustration outright will just make them defend themselves or look at you like a jerk. You want to keep their defense mechanism down when communicating to them.
3) They have a frame of view. What’s their frame of view? There’s your side, their side, and the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle.
4) Do they have all the information? Probably not. So where is the gap in information that allows them to think this way? Perhaps they are naive or they aren’t as smart as you are. You would never yell at a child because they don’t understand something that an adult does. Yet, we expect all adults to be on the same playing field in terms of knowledge. It doesn’t work that way. Help them by bringing them up, not pushing them down. You do this by communicating stories and metaphors.
For instance, I helped someone out who got very bothered by hurtful comments people posted on social media about him when doing posts for his company. I began by telling him a story about me. I told him that several years ago, I ran into a guy in NYC who was very good at reading people and he basically provoked me. He said something that he knew would anger me. He followed up by saying, “You would fight someone from words…how stupid is that?” I reflected on that for a while and understood that they are mere vibrations. We are the only ones who can transform them to mean something. Therefore, it’s a trigger inside us that’s allowing them to hurt us. No good result comes from a verbal confrontation that gets out of control.
He told me to study characters like The Rock who can play a masculine part and a soft feminine part in a movie (see The Game Plan and You Can’t Handle the Tooth). He was trying to get me to understand a more feminine, compassionate side to me. So, I studied The Rock.
Anyway, I got through to the person I was helping. If I came at him from the position of it’s stupid to respond back to haters, it wouldn’t get through to him as much as a story about me that he can relate to. Plant the seed, don’t just tell someone what to fix.
Find a story that can connect with them. If it’s about you making the same mistake, EVEN BETTER.
5) Everyone is your superior. Learn from this person and the situation to be better. Attacking them doesn’t make you better. Rise above by being a better communicator. Challenges come with resistance. Resistance is what makes us grow. You overcoming this challenge will make the next challenge, which will be at higher stakes, easier to get through. This is a warm-up training your for the big leagues.
6) What is the actual result you want? We almost always want to be right as opposed to getting the result. Being right doesn’t get you anything beyond a short-term ego satisfaction. Change your approach to get the results.
This video is a gem to help you as well: